more confessions of a converted pastor

Recently several of us who walk in close fellowship in this pursuit of Jesus sat around have a conversation. It was one of those "what if" kinds of conversations where we discussed possibilities for the future among other things. In the conversation, I was asked whether I would ever consider once again leading a "traditional" church if the opportunity arose. As we discussed the hypothetical possibilities, I realized something deep within me. While I would be willing to lead a traditional church at the invitation of God, I can in no way give up the deep heart to heart relationships that have developed with some fellow travellers in the journey.

I have a confession to make. In 1996 we first started Grace Covenant Church simultaneously with building a new house. As we looked for property, the one needed qualification was that the location needed to be somewhere where I could get away from people. In retrospect, that desire ran contrary to the nature of God. (Don't hear me wrongly, I do believe that we need to get away to mountain or the wilderness at times to connect with the Father as Jesus did. However to live "away" from people is not God's pattern.) Everything about the pattern of the Father as seen in Jesus has to do with engaging with people, living with them, entering their world.

Unfortunately the current church system has a way of cutting leaders off from the very people they lead. At a recent gathering of leaders, a very "successful" pastor shared a new venture in which he was spending some intensive time with a small group of men and their families. He stated that this interaction was perhaps the most fulfilling "ministry" in his life at this time. I wanted to say "duh...that is Jesus style of ministry". (I kept my mouth shut though!) Why wouldn't it fulfill a God-inspired longing in our heart when we do things God's way?

I know the seductiveness of ministry success and the drivenness the desire for success brings. I always wanted to be on the cutting edge, an innovator. While that desire is not necessarily wrong, when I view people as my key for achieving my success it descends qiockly into a pattern far from the way of Jesus. When the need to create a significant organization creates a motivation that isolates me from deep heart connection with a few believers, than I have departed from the way of Jesus. Unfortunately in the current church world, success is measured by numbers not by depth.

Jesus most significant world changing efforts were not with the masses but with a few. How contrary to the prevalent attitude in the church today. Most church leaders I know have no one with whom the share their journey. The church system quickly consumes all their time and energy. Believe me, I was there, I speak from experience.

To place the survival of the church system above connecting deeply with people is to miss the point completely. In the past several years, Bev and I have engaged people deeply by inviting them into our home, eating together, sharing joys and fears together, doing life together. While I would be willing to return to a place of leadership in a traditional church if God so led, that position could in no way force me to compromise my relationships in the circle of the fellowship of believes with whom I do life.