the joy of losing my life

The kingdom of God is full of paradoxes. So much so that almost everything seems backwards or contrary to to my way of thinking. Jesus said that if we are to find life, we must lose our life. In fact He poses the question - what will a man give in exchange for his soul?

Recently my daughter met an acquaintance that she had not seen for some time. She was shaken by his "deadness". She described him as lifeless and empty. In all likelihood he had exchanged his soul for an illusion of safety, trusting his own understanding instead of courageously embracing the risk of following Jesus.


So often we trade our soul for good things. Like the Pharisees of Jesus' day, we fall prey to the allure of the religions systems, trading our soul for the protection of our traditions (I am not opposed to tradition, but when the tradition becomes our God, we have made an unholy transaction) We may attempt to create a structure, a theological system, or a financial framework that gives us a sense of safety. While none of these things are necessarily wrong (and may even be good in the right context), God desires the best for us. We must however, let go of the good to receive the best that God has for us...Jesus called it losing our life to gain it.

For many years, I traded my soul for religious activity, attempting to climb the ladder of religious success, playing the political game of religiosity. Bev will tell you that something happened inside of me. Perhaps the best way to describe it was that I died. My radical, prophetic nature was exchange for religious correctness in an effort to please people and expectations. My validation came from leading a successful church instead of the affirmation of my Heavenly Father.


Thank goodness Jesus came to seek and save that which is lost. Several years ago, He broke into my "lostness" and invited me to a place of life. That invitation has led me on a journey of continually losing my life. In many ways, God has been my enemy these last several years (or so it seems to me at times). However in the middle of losing my life, I have made a great discovery. God is not a simply a sadistic taker. As I have lost many of the external "props" that identified my life, I have discovered joy, abundant life and an overflow of blessing. I KNOW God is real, I have experienced His affirmation in a very real way. I KNOW I am a beloved son of the I AM. I KNOW Jesus more intimately than ever before.

That joy, abundant life, the affirmation of the Father have not come without cost. Responding to the invitation of Jesus required me to let go numerous self-centered desires. Desires like financial security, the validation found in a ministry position, the right to determine the course of my life. In many ways, I have been in a process of losing my life. In the process however, I have receive infinitely more than I have lost. I can say experientially that Jesus' words about losing life to find it are absolutely true.

the adventure

Currently I am experiencing the joy of watching several young couples we have sent out experience the real adventure of following Jesus. They are LIVING!

As I spend some quiet time with God this morning, I am overcome with the joy of walking with Jesus in a way that practically transforms my life. It occurs to me that since I have pursued God and the whispers of His voice, the desires He placed in my heart, I have not been bored.

Several years ago a young man (the husband in one of the young couples to whom I referred at the beginning) told me in a phone conversation that he was bored with life. My response to him was rather direct - since I have been truly following Christ, I have no time to be bored. He took my words to heart and began to radically pursue Jesus, uncovering and validating the God-given dreams in his heart. Today he is living life in epic proportions. (He uses other more earthy terms to describe the accompanying fear!)

Neither of the young couples are spending time and energy on things that are not part of the God journey for them. As such they have the time and energy to pursue God's priorities for them. Far too frequently, we live according to the expectations (spoken and unspoken) placed on us by our culture or our religion without ever taking the time to discern whether those expectations align with God's invitation for us. As we relinquish God's specific invitation for abundant life to embrace cultural and religious expectations, we can expect to deal with boredom.

Live epically! Take the risk to pursue Jesus radically!

true discipleship

Several years ago, Bev and I felt like God was inviting us to consider a new way of discipling people. I had reviewed the prior ten years of ministry and found some things to be lacking. While it certainly looked like we had been very successful, (starting a number of new churches and ministries) when I looked past the initial seeming success, I felt like we had missed the point on some key issues. Those issues had to do with relationships and discipleship. We had made discipleship a program, a track one follows. In many ways, discipleship had become a formula for us.

When I placed our efforts at discipleship against the template of Jesus' life, I quickly became aware of the deficiencies of our way. As a result, Bev and I decided to more fully embrace the "Jesus model" whereby we would invite a few people to join us on this pursuit of Jesus. The past several years have been the most fulfilling of my spiritual life as I share deeply with others.

On the other hand, I have discovered that when you stir people to radically follow Jesus and then help them "get there", a painful reality emerges. Two couples that we invited along on our journey have embarked on a journey of their own, pursuing Jesus to "the uttermost parts of the world". As such, great geographic distance now separates us (Thank God for telephone and email!)

When I step back and take a look at the big picture, the pain of geographic separation is overshadowed by deep joy. Joy in seeing people literally bring the kingdom of God to earth. Joy at seeing people fulfill their destiny of greatness. Joy at seeing people risk all, losing their life to find it again. Joy at seeing Bev and my hearts being reproduced in other places with other people.

Now that's true discipleship!

a whole lot of air

For the Kingdom of God is not just fancy talk; it is living by God’s power. (1 Corinthians 4:20). This spring I have had the opportunity to participate in several gatherings of church leaders where the discussion centered on new things God was doing in the church today. I found it to be rather fascinating to hear leaders discuss various aspects of God's "new thing". Invariably as the conversation progressed, it became evident that the "experts" had much to talk about but little to share from experiential expertise.

I must say that the conversations always started well but when it turned to the practical application of the theory, any substance disintegrated quickly into emptiness. We are experts in theory but we have no life experiences from which to base our theory. In other words, our theory has not been tested. (Read Paul's words to the church at Corinth again).

If we are going to transform our world, we as leaders must quit talking about things which we have not experienced. The rule of God (the kingdom of God) is not about being able to say the correct words, the kingdom of God is about practically ordering our lives according to work of God in the world today.

One of the repeated requests Bev and I get from people (and especially young people) is - "show us how to live". They never ask us to TELL them how to live. We have incredible authority to bring transformation to people as "the word becomes flesh" in us. On the other hand, empty experience-less conversation leaves an emptiness in the spirit of those who hear.

I am convinced that what I experienced at the various leaders meetings had little to do with the kingdom of God, it had more to do with empty air.

more confessions of a converted pastor

Recently several of us who walk in close fellowship in this pursuit of Jesus sat around have a conversation. It was one of those "what if" kinds of conversations where we discussed possibilities for the future among other things. In the conversation, I was asked whether I would ever consider once again leading a "traditional" church if the opportunity arose. As we discussed the hypothetical possibilities, I realized something deep within me. While I would be willing to lead a traditional church at the invitation of God, I can in no way give up the deep heart to heart relationships that have developed with some fellow travellers in the journey.

I have a confession to make. In 1996 we first started Grace Covenant Church simultaneously with building a new house. As we looked for property, the one needed qualification was that the location needed to be somewhere where I could get away from people. In retrospect, that desire ran contrary to the nature of God. (Don't hear me wrongly, I do believe that we need to get away to mountain or the wilderness at times to connect with the Father as Jesus did. However to live "away" from people is not God's pattern.) Everything about the pattern of the Father as seen in Jesus has to do with engaging with people, living with them, entering their world.

Unfortunately the current church system has a way of cutting leaders off from the very people they lead. At a recent gathering of leaders, a very "successful" pastor shared a new venture in which he was spending some intensive time with a small group of men and their families. He stated that this interaction was perhaps the most fulfilling "ministry" in his life at this time. I wanted to say "duh...that is Jesus style of ministry". (I kept my mouth shut though!) Why wouldn't it fulfill a God-inspired longing in our heart when we do things God's way?

I know the seductiveness of ministry success and the drivenness the desire for success brings. I always wanted to be on the cutting edge, an innovator. While that desire is not necessarily wrong, when I view people as my key for achieving my success it descends qiockly into a pattern far from the way of Jesus. When the need to create a significant organization creates a motivation that isolates me from deep heart connection with a few believers, than I have departed from the way of Jesus. Unfortunately in the current church world, success is measured by numbers not by depth.

Jesus most significant world changing efforts were not with the masses but with a few. How contrary to the prevalent attitude in the church today. Most church leaders I know have no one with whom the share their journey. The church system quickly consumes all their time and energy. Believe me, I was there, I speak from experience.

To place the survival of the church system above connecting deeply with people is to miss the point completely. In the past several years, Bev and I have engaged people deeply by inviting them into our home, eating together, sharing joys and fears together, doing life together. While I would be willing to return to a place of leadership in a traditional church if God so led, that position could in no way force me to compromise my relationships in the circle of the fellowship of believes with whom I do life.

confessions of a converted pastor

I enjoy perusing church websites and literature as time permits, especially as it has to do with new churches. Church planting has always been in my spiritual DNA. It has been twenty two years since a Mennonite Pastor encouraged Bev and me to explore the possibilities of starting a new church. The passion that he stirred in us exists to this day.

I must say, however, that many of the tactics we utilized ten or fifteen years ago (and many still use) bother me today. I recently had some time to surf the web at my job and was looking at the websites of some new churches. It became almost comical as I begin to notice key phrases that repeatedly appeared in most of the sites.

- a different kind of church
- exciting kids ministry
- relevant preaching
- upbeat worship
- relaxed dress
- casual atmosphere

Now lest you think I am being too critical, these were precisely the kinds of words and phrases that I used to promote Grace Covenant Church ten years ago. Time spent in the school of God has a way of helping one see more clearly.

As part of my journey, I have spent much of my Bible-reading time reading about the life of Jesus. (It seems to me that if one wants to follow Jesus, one should be familiar with Him!) When I put the above mentioned phrases against the template of Jesus life, I discover a great deal of difference between the Jesus pattern and the accepted church planting pattern.

A wealthy young man comes to Jesus. Jesus invites him to come to His next meeting where the young man can be uplifted by the worship band, his kids will experience an exciting time with qualified kids church workers. The young man will be comfortable in his well worn sandals will he sips his cappuccino. He will hear teaching on how to live his life….

Okay…it really didn’t happen that way. Jesus’ hook used to catch the man was this – sell everything you have, give the proceeds to the poor and follow Me! (And as you may know, the young man was not uplifted after hearing Jesus proposition.)

Jesus meets Matthew at his place of business (Matthew was a tax collector). Jesus invites him to the First Church of the Disciples to experience God’s love as the Jesus Christ Ministries Worship Band played contemporary music. He would have the opportunity to hear relevant teaching while enjoying his coffee.

Wrong again…Jesus simply issue an invitational challenge to Matthew – follow me. Jesus gave no guarantees that Matthew would enjoy himself, or be uplifted in any way. Jesus didn’t offer family ministry, or life changing teaching, or contemporary music. The invitation was vague, the guarantees non-existent.

Again, please do not hear me as being critical. I too thought I should lure people to my church, offering certain desirable guarantees. I never took the time to stop and compare my methods with the way of Jesus. It seems as if we have somehow commercialized the message and life of Jesus. We treat Jesus as a product we are offering for sale. We hope to make Christianity attractive.

The way of Jesus is not easy. I will no longer minimize the difficulty of following Jesus. Following Jesus will require me to relate to people on an intimate heart level, engaging with them in their struggle and pain. I will invite people to follow Jesus with me but I will make no effort to make their journey easy. Jesus didn’t. And if Jesus didn’t, then why would I do so?

the way it was meant to be

I have spent a good deal of time reflecting on this past weekend. The celebration of the resurrection of Jesus comes naturally from a heart experiencing abundant life. For me, this past weekend was special, special in the kind of "and God said it was good" way. In my walk with Jesus, there have been several times recently when I knew the affirmation of God deep in my spirit; this weekend was one of those times.

I spent much of the weekend with people who share life with me in our pursuit of Jesus. We ate together, we shared joys together, we talked about our struggles together. For me, there were some difficult moments as well when our discussion exposed the residual effects of the spirit of an orphan within me. On the other hand, it was safe being exposed. Nobody tried to counsel me or fix me. I was in the company of people who loved me.

I realize the privilege of being part of a band of believers, followers of Christ, who are becoming deeply connected in the heart. We are bound together by our love for Jesus and our love for each other. Far too frequently Christians have settled for a cheap imitation of the deep love and vulnerable intimacy that Jesus spoke about to His disciples. We choose to engage in meetings and activities with people but we never truly engage with either God or people. (It feels safer to engage with meetings and activities than it does to engage with God and people).

I am realizing that I spent the weekend, not participating in a sterile, intellectual acknowledgement of the resurrection but with a vibrant yet flawed, organic yet centuries old, expression of the body of Christ. I spent the weekend with people who purpose to pursue Jesus, not with people whose priority is a meeting or an activity. As I reflect I sense the whisper of the Father - it is good. This is the way it was meant to be.